No One Will Love You Unless You Love Yourself First and Other Platitudes I Hate

Platitudes are those general remarks that have been used too often to actually be meaningful, yet people seem to love using them to sound insightful. My main grievance with platitudes is that they’re generally used as go-to responses to quell emotional unease — and they do a pretty bad job at that since they’re just thought-terminating clichés. I’ve come to the conclusion that most platitudes, while well intended, are usually just total crap. Let’s explore:

“No One Will Love You Unless You Love Yourself First”

This platitude usually gets directed en masse to single people who express desire for a romantic partner. Obviously if you have certain insecurities or major issues you need to work on to be able to form healthy relationships you should — but that doesn’t mean that no one will love you while you’re on that healing journey.

Telling people that no one will love them unless they love themselves first sends the message that love is conditional. But love is gracious, and it has been extended to people in their lowest moments. In the past, I have loved some very questionable people, and I’ve also had people who loved me when I was a chaotic hot mess. So if anyone has ever said this to you, please just ignore them and trust that you are deeply loved and lovable, even when you feel like you’re not enough.

“If Only I’d Known Then What I Know Now”

People usually say this when reflecting on a situation to show that they have evolved into a wiser, more prescient version of themselves. However, I think this line of thinking trivialises the value of actually going through an experience, learning from it and then moving forward.

Of course if you could repeat a situation using all the knowledge you gained from your missteps you would. But revisiting the past and nitpicking your decisions isn’t always as productive as it seems. Doing that often just festers feelings of regret. Like yeah it happened, but you learnt from it and now you can tackle anything that’s ahead! Not re-tackle the same situation over and over again in your head.

“Age is Just a Number”

This one just absolutely boggles me because it’s usually used in the context of people trying to justify their perceived “old” age as though it’s an impediment rather than an advantage. Your prefrontal cortex doesn’t fully develop until around the time you’re 25 and human beings usually get smarter and more creative as we age. According to Richard Karlgaard in his book Late Bloomers, our brain’s anatomy, neural networks and cognitive abilities can actually improve with age and increased life experiences, making us more productive, innovative and collaborative.

Instead of being ashamed of growing older, it should be fully embraced! Age is more than just a number — in fact, most people have multiple cognitive peaks throughout their lives. So forget chasing the fountain of youth, the fountain of experience tastes much sweeter.

“Winners Never Quit”

Lastly, this irksome phrase promotes behaviour that just leads to burnout or resentment of whatever it is you’re not quitting at. I love quitting! It’s sometimes the best course of action — especially when it leads to pivoting to something else that’s a way better use of your time and energy. When I started my undergrad in Electrical Engineering, I realised pretty early on that it just wasn’t the right fit for me. But almost every time I tried to talk to someone about switching my major I was slapped with some variation of this phrase and encouraged to persist with it.

Looking back, I’m so glad I didn’t keep going solely due to the pressure to “never give up” because quitting led me to pursue the career path I’m truly passionate about. Life is short and I believe this phrase would be more productive if it were “winners know when to quit”.

Ultimately, I think when someone tries to impart wisdom on you by virtue of a platitude, it’s probably not thoughtfully well-tailored to your situation and should either be challenged or ignored.

Originally published on vanitamaharajwrites blog.